The Four A.M. Frenzy

So is it just me or do things become waaaayy more serious after midnight? It’s like a steep hill down with your thoughts and musings. The outlook is grim. Today was just a mess, and well tomorrow, let’s not go there. I can already see the problems piling up like that mound of laundry that sits, eyeing me in the corner of my bedroom. I’ve been having these after-midnight moments over the past few weeks where life just feels a tinge hopeless, and when I think about the hopelessness, I begin to despair.

Take for example the other night as Serge and I were going to bed. He’d had a particularly long day and was just wiped out. I could see him fading quickly, but thought it would be the right time to put on my sad/pensive face so that he could lovingly ask me what was the matter. And he did. Cue the weepy violins and there I went.

Serge: “What’s wrong, you look sad.”

Me: “I am.”

Serge: “Why, what happened?”

Me: “I don’t know, I’m just feeling down.”

Serge: “Why?”

Me: (In my head I’m thinking, “Don’t you just know? Can’t you understand all the things that I’ve gone through today?”) “I just feel sad that I have been busy during the day. I’m not spending enough focused time with Emma. It’s like, I am cleaning, and cooking, and then I have to catch up on business emails, and, it’s just so bad. Like, I haven’t even gotten to do important things with her, like finger-painting, or go to the petting zoo.” (I’m telling you, tragedies are happening in households across the nation, every night after midnight! It’s not just me, I swear!!)

Serge: “What? What are you talking about?”

Me: “I don’t know, I just feel so bad, like I want to do all these things and I don’t have time!” (Then the thoughts start coming about how I am behind on Emma’s developmental milestones, and how now that I’ve not done the fingerprinting she might be a little behind in a few years when she starts kindergarten)

Serge: “I don’t know, maybe you just need to manage your time better.”

Me: “What? What? I am managing my time, I just don’t have enough!!!” (then, the anger starts mounting and I’m thinking to myself “How can he say that, he’s sooo unaware of all the things I have to do in the day. We’re going to have to talk about this too. This is a new issue that we’ll have to deal with before the night is over.”)

Me again: “Serge, I feel like, if we’re so busy and we don’t spend enough time together as a family, then we are just going to be such a bad example to Emmy. Like what is the point of having a family if we’re not being a “real” one?” (I don’t know where I got that line “a real one”. Things get really deep after midnight)

Me again: Some more talking, and then some crying, and then a bit more talking, and then a pause…. “Serge?”

Serge: Silence. Deafening silence. And a little snore.

Me: Oh my gosh… How could he have done this to me? (some more crying for about a minute, and then, I fell into a deep sleep)

K, so I’m replaying this conversation for you to illustrate how awful things can get when you’re tired. You know the kind of tired I’m talking about. You had a million things to do during the day, many of which didn’t get done, and now you’re going to bed thinking about all the ways in which you’ve failed individually, or as a family. You’re kids are dead. They’ve just got no hope now that you haven’t introduced them to the wonders of farm animals and free-play with paint.

It’s bad isn’t it? My point in all this is just to say that, often times we make major issues out of minor things. Things that, if we took time, when we were well-rested to assess and think through, we’d realize weren’t that big of a deal. And even if they were big deals, we’d have a little more wisdom and energy to figure them out. Four a.m., or any time when you’re tired for that matter, is not a good time to try to sort out life lessons, reorganize family goal setting, assess the state of your marriage, or feel guilty about not getting to the petting zoo. Thank God for rest and the way it recharges your batteries. It isn’t a good idea to do the heavy mental lifting when you have no gas in the tank. Fill her up and then consider what to do with the issues that arise. You’ll probably realize that most of the things that were disasters looming on the forefront are things that can be dismissed as really not that important. Or if they are important, you can deal with them in a reasonable way, not in a tragic, self-pitying, apocalyptic way.

Thank God for the weekend, and especially thank Him for Sunday! That one day of the week, that we are called to rest. We rest because it is, of many things, a practice for the day when we will be with the Lord and have true rest in His presence. With that in mind, I hope you get some sleep. Stop panicking about whatever you’re panicking about and try to sort things out in good time.

Oh ya, and make this pie. It’s really good and REALLY easy. Thank you to my cousins’ grandma Melva, we can all enjoy a slice of Trackside Pie (don’t ask about the name, I don’t know why it’s called that!) with very little preparation! I’m excited for you if you can’t tell by all the exclaiming. I’m not kidding, you don’t need to make crust and the ingredients literally involve a little measuring and mixing, nothing fancy.

Until Monday,

Maja